Posted on 2010.02.03 at 07:42
For the first week after the referral, I was giddy and excited and couldn't focus on anything, which I guess is how it should be. But lately I've just felt scared. I know it's spiritual warfare. Satan wants me paralyzed with fear. It would only make sense that he would try to spoil my joy. This journey to our child has been nothing short of a miracle. The fact that Shelby and I have very close friends who were adopted is very unusual. The fact that we both felt led by the Spirit to bring a child into our lives through adoption is unusual. The fact that God provided money in unexpected places was also an indication of being on the right track.
But I've been terrified that I won't be a good mother. Overwhelmed by this life being so entirely dependent on me. Guilty for focusing on my own fears rather than praising God for giving us a son. Saddened by the loss of a friend who died in a car wreck. Worried I'm more concerned with my own comfort than my son's. I've let my emotions spin out of control.
In moments like these, when the worries of the world threaten to suffocate us, all we can do is pray. I have to keep speaking to that fear- telling it God has been in control. The same God who moved my heart toward the idea of adoption 15 years ago also chose this little black-haired boy with a tiny, perfect nose to be our son. He won't abandon us. He will be with us on that plane to bring him home. God has, is, and will continue to be in control.
Posted on 2010.01.22 at 07:22
At 3:28 p.m. yesterday, I was at work, teaching preschoolers. In that minute, my phone rang and I was running down the hall, almost unable to breathe, crying hysterically. Our agency director called me to let me know we have a baby boy. He was born July 11, 2009, and he was 7 pounds. He is perfectly healthy and developmentally right where he should be, as far as we can tell. His foster parents describe him as having a sunny disposition and a sunny smile (which I have yet to see, because all of his pictures show him looking sleepy or scared or chewing on his fingers). :) I am in shock right now. I can't believe we are parents to a little boy halfway across the world. Everything has happened so much quicker than we expected. And we will have him here by May!! The perfect anniversary present. :)
There was definitely a part of me that was slightly worried that Elijah wouldn't be cute. I guess that's understandable- I had no idea what his parents looked like, for one thing. Not that having gorgeous parents would automatically guarantee a cute baby (even parents as gorgeous as we are. :) Just kidding. But I was excited to see he is cuter than I could have dreamed. He has thick black hair and beautiful eyes. His nose is perfect.
Elijah, I kept a diary of what we did every day for a year, to make sure I would know what we were doing the day you were born. Unfortunately, I didn't write a whole lot about that day. But I did write down that we drove to Elizabethtown to pick up your stroller. We talked on the way about you and I imagined you sitting inside of it. The very next day, I was on a plane to Naples, Florida, and scared to death. I hadn't flown on a plane in about six years before that, so I was terrified. I kept thinking of the plane trip we would have to take to Korea, but even in my fear, I knew it was worth it. You are worth it. And even if we had to wait another two years to go pick you up, it would be worth it. You are worth waiting for.
Posted on 2010.01.20 at 12:23
Once again, I want to share something that isn't my own. Which makes me think... through this whole process, I've been living someone else's moments. When I read an adoption story that makes me cry, when I hear of finalized adoptions, when I follow a friend's journey in Kazakhstan as she fights to bring her daughter home... these are not my stories. Our story has yet to be written. And it is so exciting to be a part of it.
Two verses from a song my friend, Jon Durlauf, wrote express how I feel, better than I can myself:
Don't steal my joy, oh frigid winds, your swirling will not last
how quick I do forget, provisions of the past
when the world was not some great mystery
It always feels like winter, but the season's going to change
and in the meantime, there's purpose in the wait
if I just wait patiently
"Patient" is probably the last word I would use to describe how I've waited so far. "Anxious" is probably a better word. Some days I would even use the word "annoyed." I just want to see Eli's face. I can't count how many times I've imagined what I'll be doing when we get the call. If you want, feel free to make a prediction. I'd be interested to know what you think.
Posted on 2010.01.14 at 10:14
Each day is harder. I start my day thinking, "This could be the day!" And by the time 4 or 4:30 rolls around, my heart starts sinking.
Next week, our paperwork will have been in Korea for three months. That is not a long time, especially considering how long we've waited so far. We've known for years that our little boy will join our family through adoption. And now that the paperwork and nursery are finished, there is nothing else to keep my mind busy before we get the call. I kept thinking we had plenty left to do, so why not go ahead and get as much as I could done? Now I'm realizing how unwise that was. I have nothing left to do but wait. I feel like such a wimp. It really shouldn't be this hard to wait another few months. It could even be sometime in February, which is less than a month away.
This is a very cheesy poem. I've even taken out a verse because I thought it was a little too cheesy to post here. But it does convey a little of what I feel:
Kisses in the Wind
I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems
I know you wonder where we are, what's taking us so long
But remember child, I love you so, and God will keep you strong
Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin
Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind
May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do
Very soon you'll have a family for real, not just pretend
But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind
Posted on 2009.12.18 at 10:46
Yesterday was one of the happiest days of my life... second only to my wedding day.
Yesterday I found out we should expect a referral of a baby boy between February 21-April 21. Of course, God is ultimately in control, so it could happen sooner or later than that, but that's what we're counting on right now. I couldn't believe my eyes when I read our agency's letter. It said we should expect to get matched with a baby boy (and receive a picture) 4-6 months from the day our paperwork was sent to Korea (October 21, 2009). Our agency representative told us January is really slow, but after that, we should get one pretty soon. Can you believe we could have a baby in two months? That would mean I'm already 7 months pregnant. Or, at the latest, if we get a referral in April, it would mean I'm 5 months pregnant.
While I've had years to plan ahead and try to get it into my head that we're expecting a baby, it doesn't feel real except at certain moments. And I wouldn't trade these moments for anything. I've heard other adoptive parents say it didn't feel real to them until they saw their baby's face. So if I'm this excited and happy right now, imagine me when I get Elijah's picture. I'm going to go nuts.
But even though yesterday was amazing, today may be even better. And not just because it's one day closer to the day we get to go meet our son for the first time. Today, Shelby sent me the sweetest love letter and it made my day. I didn't think my smile could get any bigger after hearing the news about Eli, but it did. I have the best husband in the world. I couldn't be happier. And it's all because of God. He has blessed all three of us way more than we deserve.
Thank you, God, for giving this little one a home. And thank You for giving him to us. We can't wait to tell him about how faithful You have been.
Posted on 2009.12.07 at 11:20
We have officially been on Korea's waiting list for 47 days... not that anyone's counting. : ) It has been an amazing journey so far. I have been overwhelmed by the generosity of almost everyone I meet (there have been a few times when I was also completely overwhelmed by the absolute hostility I've encountered as well... but the gospel can be offensive). My jewelry business, Charming Christine, has been a huge success, much to my surprise. Thanks to my amazing friend Erin, I was able to set up my booth in her store, Soma, at the Oxmoor mall. So exciting. It was a big step for me. I've never sold my jewelry inside a store before. It also led to many other opportunities, so I'm happy about that. Every time someone purchased a pair of earrings or a necklace, I thought to myself, "That was for you, Elijah." And it made me feel like dancing.
Another shameless commercial...
If you want to help support our adoption, you can visit http://wix.com/amandamay24/jewelry. I'm definitely low in stock since I sold most of my jewelry at Oxmoor this weekend, but I do have a few things left and I'm going to be making brand new things this month.
Thank you to everyone who has helped make this possible! We are so lucky to have such great friends and family who can join in our excitement.
Posted on 2009.11.23 at 11:15
Elijah,
You haven't heard from me in awhile. But it's not because I haven't been thinking about you. I think about you every day. I still can't believe we're so close to meeting you for the first time. It's funny- sometimes when I tell people it could be 6-12 months before we see your face, they are surprised it would take that long. But I have been waiting for you for years, so that time seems short to me.
I haven't met you yet, or heard your Korean name. But every morning I wake up with a smile on my face because of your father, and because of you. My mind can't always take in how blessed I am. I read every article I can find on South Korean adoption, on interracial adoption, or on adoption in general. My heart almost exploded when I read in an adoption magazine that the majority of South Korean adoptions took place within six months. (71%!!!!!)
Today, we received a letter from Pius Murungi, the boy we sponsor through Compassion International. He lives in Uganda. He told me he is praying for the baby we are going to adopt and he knows God is going to bless us through the whole process. I was so touched. It meant so much to me that a little boy in Africa is praying for our family and joining with us in our excitement. He also told me I had a "good smile," which was also cute and touching. :)
This is all I can do to feel connected to you- talk about you to everyone who wants to hear, read as much as I can read on the subject, and have others pray for you as I do. But the day is coming when I will get to hold you in my arms and talk to you, read to you, and pray with you. That will be infinitely better.
Love,
Your Mother
Posted on 2009.10.26 at 10:40
Dear Birthmother, There are no words to describe the kind of pain you must be feeling right now. It must be so hard to trust someone else with your baby boy. You just want to feel assured someone will do their best to take care of him and to keep him safe. The only thing I can do is tell you my story in hopes that it will comfort your heart.
I was twelve years old when I knew I would one day adopt a baby. I did not know what country the baby would come from, or even if it would be a boy or girl. From that day forward, I set my heart on adoption. But I didn’t want it to be only my dream. I hoped the man I married would share my dream. My husband came to me about a year after we were married and told me he also felt called to adopt. We are not an infertile couple; we have never tried to have a biological baby. Adoption is our first choice. We desire to give a home to a child who doesn’t have one, and we will never, ever make that child feel indebted to us for our decision. Yes, he will be lucky to find a family, but we will be just as lucky to expand ours.
We promise to always speak highly of you in our household. We promise to instill in your baby a pride in his heritage and his native country. Above all, we promise to raise him with love and tenderness. To say thank you sounds so inadequate. How can you thank someone for giving you a part of them? But we must say thank you anyway. Thank you for trusting us with your beautiful baby - and for giving us an indescribable happiness.
Love,
Amanda and Shelby May
I'm not sure if Eli's birthmother will ever be able to read this letter, but I had to write it. When someone gives you their most precious possession- a human life, you can't just sit back and not say anything.
Today we received a letter from our placing agency, AIAA. It says, "Your home study has been approved by our agency and forwarded to Korea on October 22, 2009." Possibly the most exciting sentence I've ever read in my life.
While I know anything could change- domestic and international adoptions can both fall through, I'm just trusting God to bring Elijah to us. Birthmothers may change their minds, countries may change their policies, but our God does not change. He is faithful. He is going to accomplish His will, and make us more like Jesus- whether it means allowing us to go through the heartbreak of losing a child, or of finally getting to bring home our son.
Posted on 2009.10.21 at 08:42
I'm in the same place I was in my last post. Still job searching, feeling guilty for not having a job, and scarily excited about meeting Elijah for the first time. Every single morning I wake up, I can't go back to sleep. I used to be able to sleep in until 9 or 10 if I wanted to, but now I can't stop thinking about Eli and can't sleep past 7. While I know it will be months before we get a referral, I can't help but get my hopes up that it will come sooner.
Our vacation together in South Carolina was amazing. Our favorite part was our morning and evening beach walks with Allis. While we were on the beach, our camera got sand in it and broke. We bought a new one that takes both pictures and video, so it will be the one we use when we videotape our first meeting with Elijah.
100% of our paperwork is completed and has been sent off to USCIS and Korea. The only thing we have left to do is the adoption online training, but we can't do that until our social worker gets back with us and lets us know which classes to take.
So that's it... we're just waiting. My heart longs for a picture of our son, but I have to be content with imaginary snapshots of the future. Who knows if they will look like the real thing.
Posted on 2009.10.07 at 08:56
This has been a somewhat rough week. It's been nice to have nowhere to go and nothing to do, but I feel guilty for not working. My last day at work was Friday, and now I'm struggling to find another job. So far the only major work I've done around the house was completely clean out our hall closet, which was a big job. I also helped paint a little upstairs, but that's not saying much, considering how much Shelby has done up there. It's hard work being married to an over-achiever. :)
Our home studies went well last week, despite my intense stomach pain and tailbone pain (I accidentally sat down really hard on a sharp armrest). Our social worker finished writing the home study and sent off all the paperwork to our agency within four days. I was amazed at how quick she was, and how friendly she was. She really made the process fun. We have a couple of minor details to wrap up, but then we can send everything to Immigration Services and AIAA (our placing agency) and it goes to Korea from there.
I still can't believe we will be parents next year. Well, we already are parents. I've always hated it when on Facebook someone says, "I became an aunt today!" on the day their niece or nephew was born, because that implies the fetus wasn't really a person until he or she came out of the womb. It's that kind of language that reinforces abortionists' views. And as far as we know, Elijah most likely has already been born, since we should receive our referral within six months, and he will probably be older than six months when we finally get to see him.
We did receive a referral this last Wednesday. We weren't sure if he was our Elijah or not, but after praying about it and reviewing his medical history, we felt he was not the boy for us. Hardest decision of our lives, by far. I may never forget that precious face. But don't expect to hear about another referral anytime soon. Now that the agency knows we are not looking for a waiting child (special needs child), we shouldn't get another referral for several more months (at least until Korea gets the chance to review our home study and approve us, however long that takes). I can't help but feel like we will know when we see him. I knew as soon as I saw Shelby that he was going to be my husband. I feel like it will be the same way. But it may not be- we can't always trust our emotions.
To Elijah: I've been writing you a book. I had started it a few months ago with the intention of getting it published, but now I'm just writing it for you. I want you to know your story. I can't wait until you are in my arms and we can read it together!
Posted on 2009.09.24 at 08:21
It's hard to believe how much has changed this past week. The biggest change has been my attitude. Right after discovering what had been draining me of my joy, I started to listen to God speak - instead of drowning His voice with TV, music, and general busyness. I feel excitement and longing again. It's funny- no matter how hard it is to wait for something that you want so much, it's harder to wait for it when you're not even sure if you want it. I had felt dead inside, but I don't any longer.
Elijah, we are coming to get you- and even if South Korea suddenly changes its laws or anything else happens, we won't be discouraged. God is leading us to you, wherever you are.
**Our home studies are this Saturday and Sunday! :) And we got the loan from the bank on Tuesday afternoon. The puzzle is coming together, piece by piece.**
Posted on 2009.09.17 at 08:15
For the past month or so, I've been embarrassed to admit what's been going on. I hadn't told anyone but one other friend and I barely mentioned it to Shelby. My excitement about the adoption had mysteriously disappeared and there was no reason for it. I tried reading tear-jerking adoption stories to bring it back, anything. Nothing seemed to work. Not even looking at adorable 12-month-old baby clothes.
Last night, it finally hit me. I've been drawing away from God. I haven't been reading His Word. I've been content to treat it like a recipe book- grabbing it to satisfy whatever mood I was currently in. Shameful, I know. I've been distancing myself from what He wants to say to me. Every time I immerse myself in the Scriptures, He tells me He is going to bring a baby into our lives through adoption. About a month ago, the reality of this adoption hit me all at once. I felt completely overwhelmed and started questioning if we could handle it. Which is odd, because I've known I was called to do it since I was 12. So instead of opening up God's Word and asking for comfort and guidance, I've just stepped away from it and wrapped myself up in my own anxieties.
God still speaks to me even when I shut my ears to Him. Shelby has been getting more and more involved in the process, working on the bank loan and making copies of anything I need. It confirms the fact God has called both of us to this. I'm just so glad that we both haven't had doubts at the same time. That would make things difficult.
Now that I know what's been going on, I feel peaceful about everything. God is going to continue to teach me more things than I would have dreamed through this process.
Posted on 2009.09.06 at 11:53
After everything God has been doing in our lives, you wouldn't think I would be struggling with trust. After all, He provided more than $3,500 from family and friends alone. But I am worried about the financial aspect of this adoption. We're going to get a home equity loan this week (which we had previously decided against, until we found out it was pretty much our only option). I'm also job interviewing over the next two weeks.
Elijah, I do have days where I doubt whether or not we'll ever get you. I'm ashamed to admit it. And there are days when I think I wouldn't be a good mother at all. But then there are days I wouldn't trade for anything in the world- when Shelby and I both talk over what it will be like when you're here, and what you will be like.
Our home studies have been rescheduled to September 26 and 27, so we should have more information and more of a direction by that time. Honestly, this process has been going so smoothly, there is nothing for me to worry about. But I'm always able to find something. :)
Oh... and Eli, we now have 105 books in your collection... get ready, we're going to read a good chunk of those together as soon as you're here. :)
Posted on 2009.08.18 at 19:33
Today, Shelby and I went to the USCIS office and turned in our I-600A application (our request to adopt an orphan). It cost a lot, so it was kind of a big step. I expected to feel excited about it, but I was surprised by how emotional I felt. I kept tearing up every so often, realizing what we were doing. All we had to do was turn in a form, write a check, and then get our fingerprints made, but for some reason it was very emotional for me. I honestly felt like I was hearing Elijah's heartbeat for the first time. I don't have a big belly or swollen ankles, but we are expecting. I don't have the morning sickness that is linked to pregnancy, but I do have a smile on my face when I wake up each morning... one day closer to meeting our boy.
We're done with the paperwork now (at least with the paperwork required for the home study), and there is not much left to do. All we can do is wait... and pray God is still leading this process.
Posted on 2009.08.10 at 17:04
I can't believe how quickly everything is falling into place. We have almost all the paperwork ready for our home studies (which are September 19 and 20), I sent off for my passport last week and Shelby already has his, we've had all of our background checks and medical tests, etc. All that remains (besides a few minor details) is to paint the nursery, changing table, and set of drawers. But we can't really do all that until the upstairs is done. I'm starting to calm down about checking everything off our lists, because pretty soon everything will be checked off and then I'll go crazy not having something to do.
The thing is, despite being so prepared and organized with the adoption paperwork, I don't feel at all ready to parent a child. God will give me strength and wisdom when I need it, but right now I feel completely inadequate. But I kind of think that's a good thing. If I were too confident about it, I'd be sure to be disappointed when I inevitably make mistakes, right?
No matter how many books about parenting I read, or even how many days I spend nannying, I think everything is going to be different once I have my own baby. Each baby is unique and I'm not expecting to feel ready until we have him home with us.
**Also... major update since last post... right after I typed that post, I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. I glanced down and saw an envelope sticking out behind a picture frame. Someone anonymously gave us $1,000 for our adoption. We wish we could thank whoever it was! It is so exciting to see God work.
Posted on 2009.07.29 at 14:47
I've heard it said that it takes more humility to receive than to give, but I didn't really understand it until it happened to me.
When I hosted a fundraiser this weekend, Shelby and I were overwhelmed by the generosity of our friends and family. Honestly, neither one of us knew how to respond. Not to sound arrogant or anything, but normally we are the ones who always give of our time and resources, never expecting to get anything back. A very close friend of ours gave us a large amount of money for our adoption. When I inadequately thanked her, this was her response:
God is always true to His word and he tells us:
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."
I believe that God blesses us so that we can bless other people and strengthen the kingdom. I think it is a wonderful thing that you are adopting and am proud to be a part of that if only in a monetary way. Jesus once told a rich man to sell all that he had and follow Him. I want to glorify God with everything.
I know that you and Shelby will raise Elijah in a Christ centered house and that excites me more than anything. I am so happy I could be a part of bringing him home!
I've always known God was leading us to adopt one of His children, but every day He makes it more and more clear to me. Just yesterday, we found out a close friend of Shelby's from college is also adopting internationally. Sometimes it feels like we're starring in the movie "August Rush," where God is orchestrating every second of our lives (mine, Shelby's, and Elijah's) to finally intersect together. He brought Shelby and I together, and now He is bringing us Elijah. Obviously I've never believed in predestination, but I do believe God is outside of time and space and can see what's happening in the future. I believe He saw the choices Eli's parents made before they made them, and started to draw me toward the concept of adoption way before Elijah was born. I know He did this so my heart would be ready by the time Elijah needed a home (and by the time I realized I needed him just as much as he needed me).
The pieces of the puzzle are starting to come together. We've had our medical exams, gathered paperwork, etc., and now we're waiting to schedule the home study. Besides marrying Shelby, I've never been more at peace with a decision in my life.
Posted on 2009.07.22 at 17:16
Elijah,
A few days ago, we were walking Allis in the park and talking. I mentioned something about how weird it was that my parents are going to be grandparents soon. Shelby said, "Well, they already are, they just don't know it yet." Which made me smile, and add, "I guess that makes you a father already, too." To my surprise, he didn't freak out. When I asked him if it made him nervous to think about, he said, "Not at all. I'm really happy."
During the last few months, I've known I'm already a mother. I know you're out there somewhere. You may not be born yet, but you have already been conceived. Your father and I can't wait to meet you. No one gets to see how Shelby really feels except me. When I see him drawing up plans for your future crib, sanding down the upstairs floors so we can move all our office stuff upstairs to make way for your new room, and smiling whenever I mention your name, my eyes well up with tears. I often whisper to myself, "No one should be this happy," but I've never wished it away. Of course, I'm not happy that you are going to be separated from your birth mother against your will. I'm not happy that you're losing a cultural heritage, a family, a language. But I can't help but look forward to the happiness you will bring us. And I will do my best to give you as much as I can.
The endless paperwork, doctor visits, room preparations, etc. still don't seem enough (so little is required for us to have a human life entrusted to us). But hey, I'm not complaining. (Don't give us any more! We want Elijah here now!)
We love you already. Not because of anything you've done, not because of anything you will do in the future, but because God loves you. I know that sets my heart at ease whenever I think about His saving grace.
So I've heard you'll probably be 8-10 months old when we get you. Any chance you could speed things up for us? :) Can't blame a girl for trying.
Love,
Your Mother
Posted on 2009.07.18 at 14:33
I haven't posted anything for awhile since I've been gone. I traveled to Naples, Florida, with the family I babysit for and had a great time. It was fun getting to spend more time with little Kate (especially since she is the same age as Elijah will likely be when we can go pick him up)! It was also a much-needed wake up call. Sometimes I have a tendency to gloss over all the hard parts of parenting. Whenever that happens, remind me what it's like to take two kids on vacation for six days. It's fun, but it's also pretty stressful.
Another reason I'm glad I went on the trip is because it had been six years since I have flown on a plane. Combine my natural fears of plane and car crashes with my more recently diagnosed vertigo and you can guess what happened. I was in tears the first time we took off. We had four total flights to get to Florida and back, and each time I was white knuckled with anxiety. It did get better, though, and made me grateful that it would prepare me more for our much longer plane trip to Korea (approximately 16 hours altogether).
During the last few days, I've been completely overwhelmed by the generosity of my family and friends. One of my great aunts and uncles sent me a check to help show their support for our adoption, and I had a close friend (who probably wants to remain nameless) also offer to help us out. I'm relieved but also embarrassed- embarrassed because I am surprised yet again by God's faithfulness- and why should I be surprised? He has brought us this far, encouraging us every step of the way. Everything seems to be falling effortlessly into place, which has been my prayer. I know there will be setbacks along the way, but I wanted the beginning to be an obviously open door so I would know we were on the right path.
We now have a crib mattress (Shelby will make the crib itself later), a really nice bargain stroller, a changing table (an old desk that we're converting into a changing table), a dresser (Shelby's old dresser), plans for decorations for his room, a few outfits of varying sizes, crib bedding, 38 children's books (most of which were either given to me or bought for less than $1), and a few other things. Shelby ripped up the carpet upstairs and is refinishing the hardwood floors underneath so we can move our office stuff upstairs and make room for little Eli. I couldn't do this without him- it's so nice that we make such a great team!
Posted on 2009.07.08 at 10:22
Bursting with happiness is the only way I can describe how I've felt these past few days... a happiness checked by my sympathy for those grieving around me. Nana is in heaven now- singing, happy, and whole. Though I miss her so much, I can't help but be joyful that she is no longer suffering. She is finally getting rewarded for the good life she led. She will always be in our hearts, but we don't have to mourn like those without hope. We will see her again. I know that I will have good days and bad days while missing her, but overall I have a lasting contentment knowing she is with God.
While everything seems to be collapsing around us (our beloved grandmother has passed away, and my uncle's sister's life was tragically cut short), we don't have to mourn like the world around us. We are free to believe we will see each other again in a place where there will be no more tears and no more death.
We are finally completing the paperwork to bring our little boy home. And though I am disappointed he will never get to meet his great grandmother in this lifetime, I can share with him how great she was. And she would be comforted to know we will be teaching him about Jesus- an opportunity he may have missed out on if we weren't able to adopt him.
We're bringing you home soon, Eli! It won't be long now.
Posted on 2009.07.03 at 14:16
I've been thinking a lot about Heaven these days, which isn't surprising. I can't help but wonder what my grandmother is doing right now and how amazing everything must be. In the book I mentioned earlier, Adopted for Life, it also talks about Heaven. Read these words about his own experience rescuing his boys from the awful Russian orphanage they were in:
"When Maria and I at long last received the call that the legal process was over, and we returned to Russia to pick up our new sons, we found that their transition from orphanage to family was more difficult than we supposed....
They'd never seen the sun, and they'd never felt the wind. They had never heard the sound of a car door slamming or felt like they were being carried along a road at 100 miles an hour. I noticed that they were shaking and reaching back to the orphanage in the distance...
I whispered to Sergei, now Timothy, 'That place is a pit! If only you knew what's waiting for you - a home with a mommy and a daddy who love you, grandparents and great-grandparents and cousins and playmates and McDonald's Happy Meals!' But all they knew was the orphanage. It was squalid, but they had no other reference point. It was home.
The trauma of leaving the orphanage was unexpected to me because I knew how much better these boys' life would soon be. I thought they knew too. But they had no idea. They couldn't conceive of anything other than the status quo. My whispering to my boys, 'You won't miss that orphanage,' is only a shadow of something I should've known already. Our Father tells us that we too are unable to grasp what's waiting for us- and how glorious it really is. It's hard for us to long for an inheritance to come, a harmonious, Christ-ruled universe, when we've never seen anything like it."
It's so easy to get caught up in all the little details of today without remembering that there is a Tomorrow, much more beautiful and perfect than we can possibly imagine. It's so easy for me to be so focused on the worries and fears I have of losing Elijah rather than to have an eternal perspective- it's all about the gospel. Jesus died on the cross because of my worry and fear. Those worries and distrust are just as offensive to God as a lifetime of prostitution, of premarital sexual activity, of lying and cheating others. Just when I begin to think, 'I'm not that bad, at least I do such and such,' I remember I have been so fixated on this temporary life that I have neglected to invest in the eternal life to come.
We have a lot of time before Eli gets here to prepare our hearts for his arrival. But we shouldn't just be readying ourselves for Elijah and the change he is going to bring to our lives, we should also be getting ready for Heaven. We need to take this time we have to remember why we're here- to bring glory to God, and to become more like His Son.
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