You bring me more joy than I ever thought was possible. I am so blessed to have you. I can't help but worry all the time that I'm not a good enough mom for you- that I don't discipline right (I know I don't), that I don't hug you enough, or that I don't tell you how awesome you are enough. And I worry that when you grow up and make your own choices, (which you should!), that even if they aren't my particular preference, that I will still show you love. A passage from The Mom Factor puts it this way:
"Some parents punish by withdrawing financial support, attention, encouragement, and a host of other parental 'goodies.' The methods can be very different, but the message is clear: 'I'll love you when you are an extension of me and my wishes, and I won't when you are not.'"
My prayer is that I will never stop showing you love, even if you don't always do the things I want you to do. If you decide to make golf your top priority, I pray that I won't be disappointed or to try to sway you into something I'd rather you do... like soccer or basketball. :) I want to embrace your individuality- to encourage you to be your own person. It's so important that you be yourself, and not just try to please me (or anyone, other than God).
Thank you for teaching me something every day. I learn so much from you- your forgiveness... the way you want to share the things you enjoy with me... your excitement at learning something new... your joy. You spread it everywhere you go.
I love you more each day.
Love,
Your Mother
But yes, I know having three kids three years and under will be a challenge. I'm just more confident this time that God will get us through it... and teach me more than I could have dreamed in the process.
While I haven't been recording all of Woods' achievements as faithfully as I did Eli's, I still treasure everything he does. So far, he knows three animal sounds consistently, two that he knows sometimes, and he can say "Mama" and "Dada"... though I've only heard "Mama" seldom... he prefers saying "Dada," even in the middle of the night when he wakes up to play for an hour or two. He is a very content baby, so happy to play by himself most of the time and sit on the sidelines to watch whatever Eli is up to (which has been a lot lately... he even pushed his own cart grocery shopping yesterday, and was really good at it!). I love our two boys. They are so cute together, and I couldn't be more proud of either one of them.
*I would do anything... anything... to go back and do it all over again the right way. But there is no use dwelling on all the mistakes I've made this year, and the only thing I can do now is move on and try to do it right from now on. No matter what the devil has been telling me, God has forgiven me and His Son died for me, so I can't keep regretting the past.
*I missed out on a lot of my sons' earliest memories... Eli's because I wasn't physically there, and Woods' because I was emotionally distant, too focused on taking care of needs instead of relishing in the joys of having a newborn. Should God bless us with more children, I will not let that happen again.
*Teaching by example... from now on, I need to start taking care of myself so I can take care of my kids. I'm going to stop skipping breakfast or lunch, eat healthier when I do eat, take showers more regularly, and take a break to read now and then. I don't want to raise children who think the world revolves around them, but by neglecting my own needs all the time and not going on dates with Shelby, I'm teaching them just that.
These are just a few things... I'm sure there's more, but my brain is fried... and perhaps I'm a bit weakened from lack of sugar (I'm going to see how long I can go this year without it).
Elijah Patrick May- We always knew our first child's name would be Elijah. I've long been impressed by the Elijah of the Bible and I love it's meaning: "The Lord is my God." It also just sounds pretty. I also wanted to choose a name that sounded cool (Eli) so he wouldn't be made fun of at school... he'd struggle enough with that being Asian. I will always love the name Elijah. We chose the middle name Patrick after Shelby and his father. I wanted Eli to know that even though he joined our family in a nontraditional way, he is still our firstborn son and carries his father's and grandfather's name.
Woods William May- Woods' name was much harder to choose. Mostly because I loved (and still do) the name Ivan and Shelby loved the name Ezra. But the name Woods fits him so well, and I'm so glad we chose that name. Not only does it just sound tough and yet poetic at the same time (like Eli), it reminds me of all the stories I wrote while growing up... they almost always took place in the woods. I even named one of my stories, "Audrey's Wood" (I think the British version of woods is called wood, or maybe it's just an old-fashioned way to say it... either way, I picked it up for some reason when I was young). I wanted a name that made me smile when I said it... and Woods always does. Whenever I'm outside surrounded by trees, I've always felt closer to God and that name reminds me of how big our God is. We chose the middle name William to honor my brother and my father. Later, I found out that the name Woods was actually the last name of the doctor that saved my dad's life.
Should God decide to give us another child, and if it is a girl, her name will be Violet. But you know what? I don't need to explain why I like it... I just do. Even if it has no meaning to anyone but me. :)
But these aren't the only changes happening in the May house. The littlest May, Woods William, has finally transformed into the calm, happy baby I knew he could be. His fits of screaming over the past two months were breaking my heart- but now that I figured out a good schedule, and he's getting more sleep, he's a different baby. He still cries sometimes, but when he does, it's not the intense, painful cries like before. Also- the day after Eli's second birthday, Woods laughed out loud for the first time. He also has become more and more interested in Eli, wanting to stare at him and smile at him instead of eating. It's cute.
It's hard to believe three months have passed since Woods was born. I never knew how fast time could fly until we had kids. I definitely miss the time when it was just me and Shelby, no question. But I love both kids and am truly happy we have them. Woods is starting to cry so I'd better end this here.
Deep down, there was a tiny part of me that wondered if my love for Eli and Woods would be the same. And, of course, it can't be exactly the same- we've known one much longer than the other. But I'm really happy to see that I don't feel any differently toward them. When one has been crying for what seems like hours, I feel an equal amount of pity mixed with frustration that I can't make everything better (or that they will at least give me some peace, ha ha). And having experienced both birth and adoption, I can legitimately say that there isn't much of a difference. I hardly ever think about the way our children came to us. They both feel "mine." When I see one cry, it's like a knife in my own chest. Watching Woods hooked up to a catheter and strapped into this odd-looking contraption broke my heart. Even worse was finding out he has grade 5 kidney reflux (he sees a specialist at the end of the month, so I don't know much about it yet). When Eli cries because he hasn't had enough time to play at the playground, I honestly cry myself (I know, it's embarrassing). I just hate to see him disappointed.
I miss spending time with just Eli and wish we could just sit and play together like we used to. And it's the same with Woods. I wish I had time to just cuddle with him and not have to chase Eli around sometimes. I just want time with both of them, uninterrupted. There is just not enough time in the day, and I don't have enough energy to do everything I want. All that being said, I wouldn't change anything about this year. I love our family of 4.
We've had Eli home for almost nine months now. We are so incredibly in love with him that it is overwhelming at times- I never knew I could feel this way about anyone besides Shelby. Every day, I'm amazed at how funny, smart, and cute he is- and how he couldn't be more mine. He fits into our family perfectly, and makes it so much better.
And I'm falling in love with Woods, too, though I haven't met him yet. We've seen him in three ultrasounds so far (though one just showed a heartbeat), and we will see him again on January 25. The reason for this is because he may have a kidney problem, but we'll find out more about that later. No use borrowing trouble. Right now, all we can do is pray that he will be healthy.
We don't deserve to be this blessed.
I'm three months pregnant.
Yeah, it's crazy. We certainly didn't intend for this to happen, but God had other plans. I know He has created this baby for a reason and has a purpose for this little boy or girl. But right now, I just feel empty inside. Taking care of a kid is hard work. Eli has only been here for 5 months, but it seems he's been here forever (which is amazing). I wouldn't have it any other way. We're crazy about him. I smile whenever I think about him. But the thought of adding another child to our family makes me feel overwhelmed and miserable- and guilty for not being happy about it. Should I be excited about it? Of course. Every life is a blessing from God. But it's still going to mean a lot of work... and then there's the whole delivery thing that still scares me (not as much as it did before, but still). So many people tell me it's all worth it in the end, which I'm sure it is, but I also know how much work it is to change diapers and clean up messes all day long... not to mention this will be two babies in one year. The baby is due around the exact day we met Eli in Korea (April 12). I think that's pretty cool. I also like that he/she will be born shortly after my brother's birthday, April 2.
As for the baby's name, if it's a girl, we will name her Violet Rebecca May. The boy's name is still undecided- though we are pretty sure of the first name right now. I'll post it once we've decided for sure.
I am happy about one thing: that Eli will have a baby brother or sister to play with. I loved having an older brother, and I know he would be better off having a sibling. Right now, it seems impossible that I could love another baby as much as I love Eli, but doesn't every mother think that before they have their baby? I'm looking forward to seeing love multiply.
My eyes welled up as we watched him totter across the carpet. I had no idea it would be that exciting. I saw the little girl I used to babysit take her first steps, but it meant nothing to me. I remember not feeling anything really. Her parents' reaction was more exciting to watch. And now I'm the one tearing up as I gaze at my baby. It's still hard to believe he's mine. He is just so perfect and beautiful, and I can't believe God gave him to us.
These are the things he knows so far:
Words:
Duck
Dog
Mama
Dad
Tractor
Truck
Ball
Gaga (Grandma)
Bye Bye
Mul (Korean word for water)
One time he said "bubble," but it was only for a day... so not sure if I should count it.
Sounds:
Bunny Rabbit- sniff
Cow- moo
Sheep- baa baa
Fish- open and close mouth
Rooster- cock-a-doodle-doo
Movements:
He holds his hand up to his ear when we say the word "phone"
He waves bye bye
He claps
He points at people and animals
He plays fetch with Allis (picks up a toy, throws it, she brings it back, he gets it out of her mouth, and she throws it back again)
Favorite Books (the ones he hands to me over and over and gets upset if I don't read them):
The Little Red Caboose
Thomas and the School Trip (Thomas the Tank Engine)
My Truck is Stuck
The Foot Book
The Bunny Book
I Like Trucks
Tractor
Dig, Dig, Digging
Spot Goes to School
He's waking up... wish I had time to write more. Quickly... here are three cute things he did the other day:
1) Whenever I kiss his knee, he laughs. But not when I kiss him anywhere else. Then he kisses me back on the knee. Adorable!
2) He can play peek-a-boo by himself now. He hides behind books and darts out and starts laughing.
3) I gave him a zerbert on his stomach, then he leaned over and gave me one back on my arm! This kid is amazing.
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